"Friends"

Guys and Girls can't be friends. How many times have you heard that? Far too often? In the course of keeping it real, I shall provide you with an objective, honest, thorough analysis of why a guy and girl cannot be friends. There is a caveat however. This framework does not apply to douchebags (and you know who you are).

[Note: due to lack of time I have not had a chance to finish the chart for this]

A Categorical Overview:

Phase I: The Encounter

When you first meet a girl, say in a casual setting or in a class, you'll immediately glance (but we all know what you really do is gawk) at the females in the vicinity. Say you then spot a female, she is then filed into one of three categories: 1) "Attractive," 2) Regular, or 3) Ugly.

Attractive is hereafter defined as being physically appealing in both subjective and/or objective terms. Regular is self-explanatory. The girl isn't very enticing at first glance and you probably wouldn't give a second glance if you walked by her on the street or bumped into her in cafe. When it comes to "Ugly" we're talking about "damn this girl didn't just get hit by an ugly stick but the whole damn tree" kind of ugly.

Phase II: Illusory Progress

Say the girl falls into the "Ugly" category. For all extents and purposes, no friendship really develops because in all honesty, what was the purpose in speaking to her? Did you NEED her for something? So if you were going to use her for something then you weren't really trying to be friends with her in the first place then were you? If you have no reason to speak, let alone look, at her, why would you have any relationship with a girl you find ugly anyhow? Exactly.

Assume you found the girl to be "Regular." So now it gets somewhat complex. In this tract, sure it's possible you can become "friends" with the person. But really, when we talk about "friends" are we talking impersonal, once-in-a-while-hellos, and short-one-sentence-instant-messages kind of friends or are we talking about actual friends that you can connect and actually converse with? Assuming you're "friends" with this person, then it's possible you'll discover you have alot in common (you like the same things, you have the same sense of humor, etc.) Now you're in a bind b/c you may start to find yourself attracted to this girl who you originally found to be just another girl but her persnoality has somehow intrigued you. IF you've somehow adamantly cemented yourself as friends with one another then sure, you're just firends. But after you've become attracted to this girl, that's where it gets hairy. SO now you like her. What do you do? If you've got big enough cajones you'll keep it real and find a way to let her know how you feel. Then, either you fail miserably OR she was a beeze to begin with, you find the feeling is unrequited (which we all know is what happens anyway) you're pretty much fcked b/c now she knows you like her and now it's just awkward. Sure, she'll pretend it's all okay but can you really forget the moment of "honesty" you bestowed upon her? No. In all respects she's now "superior" to you b/c you've done nothing but inflate her fragile ego. So you really can't be friends with her now can you? Thought so.

Lets say you found the girl attractive. The moment you laid eyes on her you thought she was cute/pretty/attractive. So then what? Let's say you finally talk to her through some random happenstance, ask yourself this, "are you really trying to be her friend?" No, I thought so. I find it hard, if not unbelievable, that if you find a girl to be attractive your first inclination is to be here "friend." Yea, maybe if you're gay. But lets assume you don't have fruity pebbles. Unless this girl somehow turns out to be some beeze, your goal, be it conscious or unconscious, is to get to know her and ultimately go out with her. That's reality. So, after a few weeks of "chatting" you decide to make your move and make it obvious to her (which should not require much since you should have been keeping it real all this time anyway) that you like her. Then comes . . .

Phase III: Land of the Lost . . . Cause

You confess. You keep it real. You ultimately lose. Okay, fine. In some land of make-believe you win. But in line of keeping it real, come on, do you really? You'll profess your feelings and then what? She'll either 1) feel the same (like I said, probably not going to happen) or 2) you're nothing to her. So now what? After having told her the truth what are you supposed to do? The most ridiculous and presposterous scenario that consistently plays out is that the girl believes you can just be friends. No, you cannot. If you think otherwise then you're simply ignorant. Ignorant and unable to keep it real. The goal was never to be friends. The basis of the "friendship" was attraction and hope (ugh, vomit). With no real friendship to fall back on, what is there really? Nothing. Much like what the guy was to the girl to begin with.


That's how you keep it real.